vr
a novel
Scott Alexander Gabriel Reiss
August 1999
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
From: SAGReiss
Date: 6 August 1999
Subject: Jobs
After a month of searching amidst horror stories of forty-pupil classrooms,
hard questions about my questionable Hebrew, and rude questions about my religious
convictions (which I routinely answer: "I can wear a kippa, but it would
take me some time to grow a beard and earlocks,") I seem to have conned my
way into a job, at least temporarily. On Sunday I begin a one-week trial
as a secretary at a travel agency in Tel Aviv which books conventions. I
almost flunked the typing test because I had trouble finding "insert table"
on the Hebrew toolbar. I didn't want to tell them I can't read an MS Word
menu. I eventually found it. You'd think it would be easy, but remember, I'm
spatially disoriented from right to left, and this is a new version of Word.
The wages are decent by Israeli standards, 25 shekels an hour, possibly 4,500
or 5,000 a month, though I could never afford to live on such a pittance (four
shekels to the dollar). I'm just happy to have found a job. This country is
weird. Minimum wage is thirteen shekels an hour, but rent is comparable to
American rates. Supposedly everyone carries a bank overdraft, but I don't
see how that changes anything. One can't live on credit forever. I'll see
how it goes. If I can't make it work, I'll slink back to the United States
next spring. I think I'll enjoy working, except for the ninety-minute commute.
I can't believe that I've got a job where I don't have to deal with the public.
I won't even have to answer the phone, since I can't speak Hebrew, unless
the caller only speaks French or German. Everyone in the office speaks English.
I can begin to talk Hebrew, understand and say a few things. I'm sure I'll
learn more on the job than I was in school.
RECTVM VINVM
Scott Alexander Gabriel Reiss
From: SAGReiss
Date: 13 August 1999
Subject: ORTRA Ltd
Zvi, the old man, hired me, calling me overqualified when in fact I am woefully
the opposite. I guess he didn't notice that I wrote "organisation" in my e-mail
applying for the job. That I can't speak Hebrew is kind of irrelevent, though
I did overhear some stunned: "Ho lo medaber ivrit. Rak anglit," on my first
day. My French, on the other hand, has almost completely abandoned me, though
hearing and speaking it every day will help. I wisely bought a French spell
check before I left the States, so I'm going to install it on my 'puter at
work before I make any heinous mistakes. Of course the Canadian who preceded
me wrote "hotel", and most other words, without an accent, so I look pretty
good on that score. Sandra, the French secretary in the tourism department,
and her boss Albert, a very stylish Frenchman who seems to like me and wants
to hire me, talk French, as does Daniel, the main boss who is not a family
member. The 'puters are a mess, the Word is all fucked up and we use stupid
MS mail. My Word is in English, except the help, but the mail and the mailing
list database is in Hebrew. It's OK. I just remember and hope for the best.
I don't really type that fast by secretary and cybersex-addict standards.
We orgasmize international conventions for different kinds of groups. There's
a lot of camel riding and Bedouin coffee ceremonies and something called
the mud festival in the entertainment part of our $400,000 budgets. I don't
know whether the doctors and professors who attend our functions really go
in for this kind of pre-fab folklore, or whether they just skip the shit
and go to the bars and brothels. I have written a proposal to the International
Society of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology. In case any of you might
want to attend, I'll keep you posted. I'm hoping I may get to do host duties
for that one. I'll just put on my tux (Murder's tux, actually) and use Lenny
Bruce's line: "What's the matter, got the rag on?" I don't mind this job
really. Often I have nothing to do, but when it's busy, it's fun and the
time passes quickly. I even like the neighborhood, a low-life quarter near
the station. If I could only afford to pay rent, I'd be all set.
From: Lauren
Date: 22 August 1999
Subject: Re: ORTRA Ltd
Well hello all of you. I've reached Alaska and my permanent residence and
have configured the modem and such so that I can actually get my e-mail (roommates
only use a PPP connection, and well....that doesn't work for VT100 sites,
etc.). You get the point. I'm starting work as a PCA in the mornings for $20/hr,
and of course will strip at night on occasion. I'm primarily here for the
university though. But, I have to go so have fun and all that crap. See ya'll
later.
-Cyanne
From: Nichelle
Date: 22 August 1999
Subject: Re: ORTRA Ltd
Hmm, just got back from Silver Mountain where I saw my first rock concert
in 17 years: STYX. I'm exhausted after the noise, alcohol, and a harrowing
20 minute gondola ride. Gaby, could you please forward me the Crisis Letters
from September of '96... all of the stuff surrounding Allset and the Rapist?
I would really appreciate it.
Thank you...
-Nichelle
From: SAGReiss
Date: 30 August 1999
Subject: e-mail
What's up, Nichelle? I haven't seen you around of late. I'm enjoying my
job. I still can't figure out how I'll ever be able to pay rent and live.
I guess I'll wait and see. I've sent you some e-mail. Was that what you wanted?
I miss you.
July 1999
September 1999
vr: 1999
