vr
a novel
Scott Alexander Gabriel Reiss
July 1998
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
From: SAGReiss
Date: 3 July 1998
Subject: No friends
All Nazi vegans must die. At least the lezbo twin gave me a laugh, but she's
a white trash smoker, drinker and red-meat eater with a job, not some worthless
ecoterrorist student spending my tax dollars on a Ford Explorer. She broke
her toe on Tuesday morning. I told her to fill out an accident report and
go home. I would be fine. I guess her dyko buttgrrl has quit her job, so she's
feeling a little stress. She stayed for ten hours. The Evil Chinaman was
being a prick. We were having dungeness crab cocktail and lamb ribeye. I
served the starters and wined. I removed the white wine glasses from those
who wanted red, and both glasses from those who didn't want wine, thinking
correctly that while someone might be perverse enough to have red with seafood
or white with lamb, not even an Amerikan would be so perverse as to do both.
He thrashed me for some perverse Chink reason of his own. I said to Barbara:
"He is such a fucking asshole." Tears were welling up in her eyes, either
because her toe hurt, or because he had just lashed her for doing arm service,
which I like but which we're not allowed to do. Later she was gone. When I
saw her again I said: "I thought you quit." "I'm not sure. He told me to water
the whole room. I said: 'Raymond, I'm not watering the whole room. I'm going
home. And fuck you.'" So I get dragged to this shabby Thai restaurant with
shitty service in a "no-smoking, no-alcohol environment" about which Miss
Ford Explorer brashly lied. Do I take her to Hamburger Mary's? I am not running
a bed and breakfast. If Nichelle's friends won't spring for a room, I will.
If someone wants to sleep on our couch, that's fine. I'll sleep at a hotel.
RECTVM VINVM
Scott Alexander Gabriel Reiss
From: Nichelle
Date: 6 July 1998
Subject: trees and slugs
I picked Jen up at the airport on Thursday night- her plane was almost two
hours late, so the rental car place had closed by the time she got there.
Went to my place to dump off her three enormous backpacks, and went to dinner
at a vegan Thai restaurant in the university district that Gaby hated because
there is no smoking or drinking there. Go figure. Did the grocery shopping
on the way home, and one cashier called the security guard on Jen for trying
to invade the employee restroom. I guess she really had to go. But they didn't
kick us out of the store- just politely told us to go pee in the bushes or
something, so we walked home in the- guess what...... rain! Yes, and lots
of it. Got to sleep fairly early (only about midnight) and woke up at 5:00
to get ready to carry all of her stuff, plus my backpack, a cooler, and a
bag full of food on the bus to Tacoma. We waited in the parking lot of a McDonalds
for the rental car guy to pick us up in the death trap that was to be our
camping vehicle. Rode back to the plywood rental shack decorated with pictures
of Jesus steering a boatful of republican senators through the storm, politely
declined the religious pamphlets they offered us, and were soon on our way.
The first day we drove to Queets to camp in the rainforest, found a beautiful
spot that was more or less secluded, dumped our gear and went out to ford
the roaring Queets River. Did I mention that Jen is an insane mountain woman?
We tied our boots to our backpacks, put on our "action sandals", rolled our
pants up past our knees and started wading. The water was too deep to get
across, so we simply waded from sandbar to sandbar shouting, "Damn it, this
is cold! Brrrr!" until we decided to stop and play around on some enormous
fallen trees. We might have made it across to the trail, but it was cold and
getting a little bit late, and so we headed back across the cold water and
slimy rocks, back to Sams Loop Trail and cougar country. My pants had expanded,
and I think my legs had too, and my jeans were never meant to be rolled up
that far. They were stuck. We started Sam's Loop drenched, plodded along
for three miles or so, only losing our way once, and finally made it back
to the campground. By this time, there was water all over everything, but
we somehow managed a fire and cooked our marinated peppers and onions and
mushrooms shishkabob style. Jen was impatient, got the fire absolutely blazing
and charred them, but we ate them anyway. By morning we were pretty damp.
The rain cover was sticking to the tent, and therefore not doing much good.
After a really good breakfast of cooked strawberries on homemade rolls- kind
of a hot homemade jam (the strawberries were mush and needed to be eaten.)
we packed up pretty quickly and headed out.
The second day we drove up along the coast, stopping to play on the beach
for a bit and then continuing to Lake Ozette where there is a trail made of
wooden planks that leads over to the ocean. We hiked along that, in much nicer
weather, mostly looking at slugs and trees. I didn't want to stay there because
it was really overrun with people, so we drove to Lake Crescent and found
a spot down by the water where we set up camp. After we unloaded, we found
that the trunk of the rental car would not close, so we had to tie the thing
down with a rope. This time we put the tarp over us- a good choice, though
it didn't rain as much at this place. We cooked corn and black bean soup
for dinner, sat around playing rummy at the table with the lantern on. We
decided to let the fire die because the smoke was just killing me. We drank
brandy with hot water and lemon- pretty damn good camping fare, actually,
until we both got sleepy.
On Sunday we ate oatmeal with cherries in it and packed up to leave, after
being visited by tons of chipmunks and squirrels, a rabbit, and a family of
ducks who nibbled at the corners of the tent. We headed up to spend the day
at the beach, tried to start a fire, but everything was soaked, so after walking
around a bit we drove into Port Angeles and went to a movie. Then we drove
to a spot called Falls View by Walker Mountain, basically on the east side
of the park, not far from the ferry to get home the next day. After I got
freaked out by the mountain roads, we finally settled for a regular campground
which had nobody in it since it was Sunday. We went around to all of the
campsites taking leftover wood and had a roaring fire most of the night.
We were eaten a live by mosquitoes and played some French card game, sang
camp songs, and eventually drifted off.
Monday morning we were up and in the car by six, had some tea and dried
cranberries and drove to Kingston to catch the ferry over. Saw sea lions
and lots of other creatures in the water. They hid from us when we returned
with the cameras. That's it.. a quick ride from Edmonds into Seattle, and
I was soon scrubbing the grime off my feet in the bathtub. I just woke up
from a four hour nap...
Nichelle
From: SAGReiss
Date: 8 July 1998
Subject: X Questions
1. Do you consider yourself "sexually liberal," "sexually conservative,"
or do you feel that those terms are meaningless?
I don't know if they're meaningless. I don't know what they mean to you,
who are asking the question.
2. If you could change one thing about the sexual attitudes of the general
public, what would it be and why?
I don't know what you mean by "general public", nor do I know what its attitudes
are. I don't much care what other people's attitudes towards sex are.
3. What sexual habit of yours do you feel most embarrassed about? Why?
I s'pose I'm most embarrassed by my lack of interest in sex.
4. Has the internet changed your sex life in any way? If the answer is "yes,"
tell us how.
I met my live-in gf online.
5. What were the last three movies you saw in a theatre?
The last film I saw in a theatre was "Fear and Loathing" which I hated.
I can't remember the last time before that. I can't sit still for two hours
without a cigarette and a drink.
6. What sexual activity would you very much like to try, but haven't (for
whatever reasons)?
I can't think of a sexual activity that I'd like to try but haven't.
7. What's wrong with this country?
Assuming "this country" to mean the United States of Amerika, I would be
tempted to say the food Amerikans eat, since the evils of economic injustice
and television are about the same anywhere on Earth.
8. Do you consider yourself a religious person?
No.
9. If you were surfing the web for smut (and we're not saying you do), what
would you be looking for? (Stories? Pictures? Both? Neither? Subject matter?
Hardcore level?)
Hardcore illustrated stories.
10. What fictional character(s) would you like to have sex with? (This question
stolen from Chris Bridges.)
None. Chris Bridges asks a very dumb question.
RECTVM VINVM
Scott Alexander Gabriel Reiss
From: Columbine
Date: 9 July 1998
Subject: Re: X Questions
Gabriel, if you're going to inform me in no uncertain terms that my correspondence
on this list is no longer welcome, I really don't see why you'd want to post
something that must be almost completely for my benefit, since no one else
on this list save Nichelle is likely to know where it came from or why you're
suddenly dropping it here. I don't mind you being an asshole, but you're too
intelligent to be inconsistent about it.
And, as long as I've taken the bait:
> 1. Do you consider yourself "sexually liberal," "sexually conservative,"
or
> do you feel that those terms are meaningless?
>
> I don't know if they're meaningless. I don't know what they mean to
you, who
> are asking the question.
Actually, we're hoping that the people answering the question will be tempted
to use and explain THEIR definitions of the terms. If we'd asked outright
"what do 'sexually liberal' and 'sexually conservative' mean to you?" we'd
have been shrugged off. No one likes defining terms as much as they like stating
their position.
-c
--
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common.
In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
June 1998
September 1998
vr: 1998
